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Editor’s Introduction: In October 2024, we began reporting on the activities of the infamous Gnome Empire, ruled by the malevolent Lord Emperor Wilson, located in the southern region of the continent Tampa on the distant planet Florida.

Click/ Press here for all our Gnome Empire reporting.

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Earlier this week, Lord Emperor Wilson flew to an undisclosed paradise to address the ICORRP (International Conclave of Ridiculously Rich People).

Emperor Wilson’s speech aimed to justify his recent efforts to claim the continent of Key West, which he believes will strengthen the Empire’s southern border defenses. He sought to mitigate the backlash from his controversial remarks about seizing control of an independent continent through military force if needed. Additionally, he aimed to dispel suspicions that his underlying objective was personal enrichment through commandeering the continent’s tourism industry.

The ICORRP Speech

The Lord Emperor’s speech to Ridiculously Rich Conclave leaders lasted over an hour and began as a typical recitation of his accomplishments. But things quickly deteriorated beyond the usual grievances and fabrications—his delivery took on a bizarre, meandering quality even more pronounced than usual.

The address he delivered was—to put it charitably—bad. “Unhinged,” “dangerous,” and “what the f…?” would be equally accurate. He confused the continents of Key West and Tallahassee; he said the planet Florida “called me Daddy”; he disparaged his former Rebellion opponents, now allies, as “low IQ,” and insulted some of the leaders to their face.

He said he wouldn’t use force to take Key West (sometimes he got the continent right), but he could use force if he wanted to. His statement against the use of force was further undermined by his Defense Minister giving a “thumbs up” when the Emperor stated he could use force if he wanted to.

His words were met largely with silence, his usual jokes at others’ expense earning only quiet titters. Well into the speech, some listeners appeared to doze off while several left the crowded chamber before he finished.

Major announcement

The Lord Emperor’s speech had one high note: his introduction of the latest addition to the Gnome Empire’s Secret Base, under construction for many months. The new tower rises high into the evening sky.

At a subsequent press conference, when questioned about the Secret Base’s purpose, the Lord Emperor offered only a cryptic response: “This solution, when consummated, will be a great one for the Empire!” Reporters remained uncertain whether he was referring to the Base itself or to his post-speech announcement about resolving the Key West issue.

Official Disclaimer: “This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.”

January 23, 2026

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