Editor’s Introduction: In October 2024, we began reporting on the activities of the infamous Gnome Empire located on the distant planet Florida. Our dedicated Reporting Team kept you updated on the actions of the harsh Lord Emperor Wilson and the Grand Rebellion against his Empire. As we later reported in December, the Rebellion was “amicably” suppressed, and peace returned to the Empire. Lord Emperor Wilson’s reign continued without interruption.

Click/ Press here for all our Gnome Empire reporting.

Breaking News!

Unnamed but highly reliable sources have relayed rumors about a secret base and laboratory being constructed in the Gnome Empire on planet Florida. Builders and scientists are reportedly instructed to report directly to Emperor Wilson and are bound by strict confidentiality agreements. There are numerous theories regarding the purpose of the base (see citations later in the article), but none have been substantiated.

Queries to the Emperor’s Press Office were responded to with accusations from the Emperor himself stating, “The Idiot Malignant Press is deliberately creating FALSE NEWS to DAMAGE the righteous Empire and its most gracious Lord Emperor. INCONCEIVABLE.”

_{(Side note: It was interesting to see that after Emperor Wilson met with the leader of another nation earlier this year, he began to emulate some of his mannerisms. The Emperor is also a known fan of The Princess Bride.)}

Senior leadership decided to resend our talented Investigative Team to the Empire in order to provide open and unbiased reporting and to investigate the rumors. Despite the inherent dangers of such an assignment, our Team accepted the challenge. They first traveled to the planet Florida and then continued south to the continent of Tampa, ultimately arriving at the Gnome Empire.

Team Report

Upon our arrival at the Empire, we couldn’t help but notice that the border notification from our first visit was still in place.

Once in the Empire, we reached out to our contacts from prior visits and met, in secret, with a former leader of the Grand Rebellion.

The former leader reluctantly informed us that he and his associates had also heard about the Emperor’s Secret Base. Our contact didn’t know much beyond a general location and the fact that it was an abandoned military installation. He had no information about what was being developed there, except that it was “something big.”

Based on his description of the location, we ventured deep into the unsettling depths of the Empire. Traveling along little-used back roads, we felt we were getting closer as we started encountering random patrols of the Emperor’s elite Squall Troopers. They conducted Q&As, cavity searches, document checks, and searched our vehicle. During these searches, all our cameras and electronic devices were confiscated.

Eventually, we arrived at a large metal fence that blocked further access. Behind it, we could see what appeared to be abandoned buildings. The fence was posted with warning signs and guarded by Squall Troopers.

^{(You do get that gnomes are not as big as us, so their elite soldiers are small Storm Troopers, and a small storm is a …, right?)}

We politely backed away, wishing the guards a good day. Instead of returning to more populated areas, we pulled off the road as night was falling and hid our vehicle. We made our way through the woods and swamps, fighting off the continent’s ravenous mosquitoes.

_{(Side note: the Lord Emperor has long boasted of his “proud alliance” with the official bird of planet Florida, claiming that he and the skeeters… Swamp Angels… Gallinippers… Bloodsucking Itch-Meisters…have much in common.)}

Climbing a large tree next to an unpatrolled section of the fence, we were amazed by the construction site that spread out before us. It was clearly in the early stages of development, but it promised to be an immense undertaking. The assortment of strange devices rising into the darkening sky, connected by pipes, valves, and wires, was truly impressive.

Detail drawings of the construction site:

As we clung to the tree branches and completed our detailed drawings, we tried to decipher the purpose of the construction we were observing. However, we were unable to reach any conclusions. So, we gathered our drawings, descended from the tree, and left the area.

Having completed our assignment, we cautiously made our way through the Empire, departing from the continent of Tampa and eventually leaving planet Florida to return home with our valuable drawings.

Follow-up

Release of the documents at home was met with concern and consternation. Learned Talking Heads and Oh-So-Wise Experts offered their opinions, but no one could determine the exact purpose of the secret base. Sunday News Talk Shows and Evening Newscasts were filled with increasingly outrageous speculation. Debates became heated, and citizen meetings often turned into chaotic shouting matches.

An objective ranking of suppositions about the Base’s use include

• A device to deter crime, bad behavior, and generally poor attitudes in the Empire’s major urban areas. This would reduce the need for the Emperor’s elite Squall Troopers to patrol the streets. Many believe that the device will release a gas that puts people to sleep at night, or if they are in troubled areas.
  
• An artificial food production machine to provide low-cost meals to the masses… Gnome Gruel. However, Gnome farmers are vocally opposed to this concept.
  
• An alternative to the border wall that the Emperor is building to mitigate illegal immigration. The idea could include metal poles and conductive wiring, which has sparked interest from several other planets.
  
• An AI that will generate prognostications, rendering Talking Heads, Oh-So-Wise Experts, Karens, and Mid-Level Bureaucrats obsolete. This one is very popular.
  
• A huge Mosquito repellent machine that would drive all the mosquitoes off the continent of Tampa and from the planet Florida all the way to the distant planet of North Dakota. The Emperor has not commented on how this potential solution may affect his alliances.
  
• Further down the list is the concept of the Silver Dome. Lord Emperor Wilson has long maintained that an alien invasion is a possibility in our future. To clarify, he refers to an invasion from “Up There,” not “Over There.” The proposed base could generate what he describes as a Silver Dome to protect the Gnome Empire from an alien invasion. Although this idea ranks low in probability, certain splinter groups have been very vocal about their beliefs in aliens and impending invasions.

Despite this, Lord Emperor Wilson and his minions continue to dismiss such opinions as false news, and the Emperor has denied the existence of the base on multiple occasions.

The Future

We will keep monitoring this situation and seek more information about the Secret Base as construction progresses.

Stand by for more updates as they become available.

Don’t forget to click/ press here to see all our Gnome Empire reporting!

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Thanks for visiting!

August 14, 2025

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